End of an Era

Cheesesteaks, soft pretzels, the Liberty Bell, Rocky (and his statue), Tastykakes, and the list of all things Philadelphia goes on and on.  Say Philadelphia to an outsider and the response is often mixed; one might say the attitude towards Philadelphia and all of its citizens is similar to the attitude that Philadelphians are reported to display at sporting events.  Reportedly, christenings, wakes, graduations, and the birth of a child are all met with the same type of fanfare.   We are, for all intents and purposes, troglodytes that drag our knuckles along Broad Street.  Perception, especially to a national media, is reality.

Sadly, many Philadelphia Eagles fans are anxious and nervous, waiting on the edges of our beds like Christmas morning, waiting to see what Santa Lurie will bring us.  Many of us are relieved in Andy’s removal as head coach.  Many of us would break down each play of an Eagles game, bringing no more and no less than a high school and maybe a college level playing experience to our analysis.  Sure, not all of us can boast an Al Bundy highlight reel of football memories; however, many of us can recall specific plays from the last fourteen years that excite and dismay us all.  Philadelphia will not be relegated to the basement of the NFL; we have a hallowed history that, yes, we know, has no Super Bowl wins, but it is filled with names that send our fathers and grandfathers reeling, spitting out long narratives that feel almost Dickensian.  Van Brocklin, Concrete Cha’lie, Reggie White, Mike Quick, Scramblin’ Randall and the stories grow and grow.

As Andy Reid moves on, the real fan, the humanist fan that cringes when his or her favorite player doesn’t get up after a hit or wells up at the news that the coach of their Philadelphia Eagles just lost his son, Philadelphia Eagles fans will reminisce.  Sure, we all can recall Ronde Barber intercepting the football for a touchdown in the NFC Championship game and wanting to cry the same way I did when Joe Carter crushed that home run in the World Series.  I can also recall an onside kick in Dallas that sent shock waves through Philadelphia or the frozen tears I shed at the Linc when I watched Brian Dawkins hoist the NFC Championship trophy over his head and proclaim, “We’re going to the Super Bowl!”

I am glad that we let Andy go.  We are all, in some way or another, relieved that the last few seasons of desperation and marginal play can be put behind us if only for a short while.  The next coach will take the reigns of a football team that is supported by a fan base that is both ravenous and football savvy.  We may not all be football scholars; Ray Didingers if you will. However, we are informed fans that recognize that the coach with the most wins in Philadelphia Eagles history had the wherewithal to bring in coordinators like Jim Harbaugh and the late, great Jim Johnson.  His victories and defeats are not highlighted only in his win, loss, and if you can believe it, tie categories, but the victories and defeats are laid out in the minds of Philadelphia Eagles fans that know the nuances of the game and its team.

Andy will not be missed the way Brian Dawkins or Reggie White was missed.  He will, as time goes on, take his place in the Philadelphia sports pantheon of good or great (remember, perception is reality) coaches.  Andy, you will be missed but I assure you it will not be in the near future.  If anyone needs a quote for what Philadelphia sports fans are beyond the twisted truth of hurling snowballs at Santa, remember that if a person states that they bleed Eagles green, then it is not hyperbole, it is not an embellishment, it is as factual as any statistic or fact already established throughout history.  Philadelphia is and will always be a city that loves its Philadelphia Eagles.  And Andy, we do in fact, bid you adieu!

New Years Resolutions–The Secret Kind

I suspect at this point, everyone has tucked away their secret New Years Resolutions and have embraced those resolutions that everyone expects to hear.  Lose weight, stop smoking, break an annoying habit, meditate, spend more time with your family, and the list goes on and on and on and…well, you get it!

The real NYR’s (New Years Resolution) as I like to call them are the kind we rarely share with people.  If you are in the minority, the individuals that have never made a secret NYR, then you are in for a tremendous treat.  Secret “Resolutions” are predicated upon the deplorable things that we’ve done more than once throughout the year.  For instance, perhaps you are or know someone that waited tables for three weeks in college, which makes you a renowned authority on waiting.  You then take it upon yourself to leave a 0% tip because your meal wasn’t cooked to your liking.  (For the record, don’t be a dick; the waiter doesn’t make the meal, they merely bring it to your unappreciative ass!)  You or someone you know leaves no tip on principle; in reality, you are pretty much an overindulgent sub-par human being.  The Secret NYR allows you to keep from perpetuating said offense and no one else is the wiser.  Would you really want to go into work on Tuesday and let everyone know you’re working hard towards not being a stingy prick?

The loose moral’ed individual may be resolute in abstaining from as many ding-dongs or vajayjays as the year past.  Committed to finding that special someone instead of always banging people, this person wraps up their horny ways and does a really good job until Valentine’s Day and we all know that person that come hell or high water will not be alone on V-Day.  There’s the greasy haired, extra shmedium shirt wearing, spray on tan guy that winks at every woman he meets.  After a night of Jager bombs and falling on a few “grenades” for his buddies, this lovable meat head makes his Secret NYR and realizes very quickly that abstinence is not only hard to actually do, it’s “like, a really super hard word to spell and stuff!”

Those that don’t make this list are those that abuse heavy drugs (i.e. crack, meth, heroin, Flinstone’s vitamins) and vow to quit.  You cannot take a crackhead seriously on December 31st as he stands with his glass dick in his hand, stretched high towards the Gods and proclaims, “I will quit you, crack….”  Are we really taking this person seriously?  Of course not, he’ll quick smoke whatever crack residue resides inside the pipe, pass out, and wake up on New Year’s Day and forget about his valiant moment.

I applaud those truly committed to their Secret NYR’s.  However, I cannot cosign on someone’s Secret NYR that involves luck and some odds that are worse than getting struck by lightning.  Every year I vow that I will never curse while watching a Philadelphia Eagles game.  I recognize that is foolish as I find myself cursing minutes after the Draft.  You cannot resolve yourself to winning the lottery.  If that were the case, I’d already live in a mansion in the south of France with spider monkeys that serve me and I ride into town on the back of an Albino Bengal Tiger.  What, you think I haven’t thought about this?  If I could will this, I certainly wouldn’t be writing this now, now would I?

Secret NYR’s require not only a commitment to change, they require practicality!  Who wants to make a Resolution to do something they know they’ll never be able to do?  You don’t see Weeman from Jackass working on his crossover so he can get better at basketball, do you?  Kat Williams won’t be making any Secret NYR’s that involve him trying to act a little crazier and a little more reckless, right?  The Secret NYR is really about mind f’ing you to the point that you will give up on life.  It comes as a way to keep you down because in your head you’re trying to change the essence of you!  Who cares if you randomly ride dick?  (Are you wrapping it up?  Yeah?  Go nuts!)  Should we vow to change ourselves completely or should our resolution be to accept ourselves and no matter what, recognize that once January 1st arrives, we have merely 365 days to make each one of those days count!  Happy New Years

No Mas, Jesus!

The tragedy that occurred in Newtown, Connecticut this past Friday created a groundswell of visceral responses for so many contemporary issues.  Those that believe in gun control found their way to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Yelp, and any other social media platform that I am unaware of at this time and let the world know exactly how how they felt.  Second Amendment supporters retaliated, reminding us all that “guns don’t kill people, people kill people!”  Holy rollers rolled like they’ve never rolled before.  ”It’s the prayer that’s missing!” The election is over and Americans have found a way to dispatch their political and religious ideologies onto the masses again.  Welcome to America!

Is anyone discussing viable ways to keep Friday’s events from happening again?  Is there even a real way to keep children safe in school?  What’s most amazing to me is that the United States has in its own borders countless schools that are unsafe every day that school is in session.  Yet, people are pretty sure that it’s the lack of Jesus that allows situations like this to occur.  

Whatever happened to social responsibility and people delivering their outrage with the intention of creating viable change?  It’s not about change; sadly, we live in a country where it is all about agenda.  Watching CNN, MSNBC, and FoxNews reminded me of one specific fact:  the story is more important than those that make up the story.  The act has superseded the individual and the consumer of news has allowed this to occur.

Computer chair bosses, the ones that man the helm of their computers, feverishly type out responses to Facebook chatter in order to make themselves relevant.  Strippers with two years of community college under their belt are preparing their doctoral thesis in explaining how mental health care is really to blame.  And there it is…we must find someone or something to blame.

If you want to hunt, go hunt.  Unless you and your friends plan on hunting well supplied ex-Marine deer that have access to a weapons cache reminiscent of the Vietnam war, your rifle does not need to be automatic.  Case closed and no, I don’t care to listen to your argument.  I don’t think our gun laws allowed Friday’s massacre to occur.  Instead, I believe a crazy bastard with access to guns that need not be made for public use has something to do with what happened on Friday.

I don’t think children forced to pray because some lunatic with an unhealthy “Leave it to Beaver” irreverence is much of a solution either.  When I hear people say things like, “If people had better access to the Lord, we’d be a better Nation.”  No, no we would not.  

There’s no need to argue about whether God is good or God is bad.  You don’t need prayer time in school.  If you don’t believe me, ask yourself if saying the Pledge of Allegiance made you a better Patriot?  

We should embark on a journey of spiritualism; defining who we are as we seek out the opportunity to hold others pain if only for a brief moment.  I don’t need to refer to scripture to prove my worth as an individual.  I’m no less and no more of an American if I believe we should limit the types of guns accessible to the common person and I am no more and no less of a good man if I choose to adopt the tenets of Christ the man and live as a man myself.

 

Muted Ramblings

I’m so tired of politicians; if I wanted someone to smile in my face and lie to me, I’d visit my ex-wife.

The reality of religion is this: no one that espouses religion ever seems to follow it.  If Christian politicians were truly Christian, they’d learn humility!

People whose children have peanut allergies need to stop getting so adamant in peanut free schools.  You don’t see kids with grass or pollen allergies asking for the football field to get paved over!

Bob Dylan makes me wonder what acid flashbacks must feel like.

Mitt Romney reminds me of that guy in college that nobody liked.  They let him hang out because he was rich and would buy all the beer.

Independence Day should be held in reverence to those that embodied an utopian government; sadly, our mistakes harken back to the very warnings our forefathers so adamantly warned us against.  Change happens but only through the work of those that believe in others as much as they believe in themselves.

People that quote other people when they talk should receive a beating that leaves them dangling on the precipice of death’s doorway.  Said beating should be done with a French baguette or a foam pool noodle.

I think knowing the difference between hanged and hung can make you enjoy life tenfold.  “Damn, he was hung?”  (Me:  Chuckle Chuckle)  “Yeah, that’s how he asked to be executed.”  (Me:  Dummies!)

I love meeting people that are offended by words.  You gotta get what words a woman doesn’t like before you begin to get intimate.  No one wants to offend a woman with the wrong nomenclature.  Typically, the C-word is a safe bet for upsetting a woman’s delicate nature.  If she isn’t offended by its use, best make like Beyonce and put a ring on it!

I love flowery language.  A friend of mine many years ago called someone a turdfarmer.  I thought about it and realized quickly that one who farms turds would just be a shitty person.  I reserve this term for a select few.

I don’t really appreciate misogyny in comedy; I prefer good old fashioned misogyny from the dredges of society.  They are the ones that have it down!

Not a fan of people using the term “gay” to describe something.  Unless of course, the thing someone is describing involves anal sex between two men, then using gay is warranted.

Indifference is merely a flaw in someone’s character.  You can’t expect someone that’s indifferent to make a decision; if they’re truly indifferent they had a hard time deciding whether listening to your question was worth their time.  Then you hit them over the head with something written by Thoreau.

If Oscar Wilde were alive today, he would go through customs and when asked if he had anything to declare, his response would have been more like, “I have nothing to declare but my genius…and I like men! Faaaaaaaaabulous!”

Kanye West is dating Kim Kardashian…whoop dee doo, two self involved asshats that tweet things to each other when they’re standing next to each other. 

 

 

Muted Ramblings

I’m so tired of politicians; if I wanted someone to smile in my face and lie to me, I’d visit my ex-wife.

The reality of religion is this: no one that espouses religion ever seems to follow it.  If Christian politicians were truly Christian, they’d learn humility!

People whose children have peanut allergies need to stop getting so adamant in peanut free schools.  You don’t see kids with grass or pollen allergies asking for the football field to get paved over!

Bob Dylan makes me wonder what acid flashbacks must feel like.

Mitt Romney reminds me of that guy in college that nobody liked.  They let him hang out because he was rich and would buy all the beer.

Independence Day should be held in reverence to those that embodied an utopian government; sadly, our mistakes harken back to the very warnings our forefathers so adamantly warned us against.  Change happens but only through the work of those that believe in others as much as they believe in themselves.

People that quote other people when they talk should receive a beating that leaves them dangling on the precipice of death’s doorway.  Said beating should be done with a French baguette or a foam pool noodle.

I think knowing the difference between hanged and hung can make you enjoy life tenfold.  “Damn, he was hung?”  (Me:  Chuckle Chuckle)  “Yeah, that’s how he asked to be executed.”  (Me:  Dummies!)

I love meeting people that are offended by words.  You gotta get what words a woman doesn’t like before you begin to get intimate.  No one wants to offend a woman with the wrong nomenclature.  Typically, the C-word is a safe bet for upsetting a woman’s delicate nature.  If she isn’t offended by its use, best make like Beyonce and put a ring on it!

I love flowery language.  A friend of mine many years ago called someone a turdfarmer.  I thought about it and realized quickly that one who farms turds would just be a shitty person.  I reserve this term for a select few.

I don’t really appreciate misogyny in comedy; I prefer good old fashioned misogyny from the dredges of society.  They are the ones that have it down!

Not a fan of people using the term “gay” to describe something.  Unless of course, the thing someone is describing involves anal sex between two men, then using gay is warranted.

Indifference is merely a flaw in someone’s character.  You can’t expect someone that’s indifferent to make a decision; if they’re truly indifferent they had a hard time deciding whether listening to your question was worth their time.  Then you hit them over the head with something written by Thoreau.

If Oscar Wilde were alive today, he would go through customs and when asked if he had anything to declare, his response would have been more like, “I have nothing to declare but my genius…and I like men! Faaaaaaaaabulous!”

Kanye West is dating Kim Kardashian…whoop dee doo, two self involved asshats that tweet things to each other when they’re standing next to each other. 

 

 

President’s Day

I appreciate the pomp and circumstance that goes into President’s Day.  The sales at mattress stores, furniture stores, car dealers, and the mall in general.  What better way to show your patriotism and affection for Presidents by spending money.  If you’re like my wife and I, you bought on credit and continued the vicious cycle of keeping yourself barely impoverished (at least we’ll have fine mocha, microfiber couches to be poor on.)

America is wrought with revisionist history.  We turn curmudgeons into demagogues, slave owners into saviors, and silver spooned, trust fund babies into the stuff Horatio Alger books are based.  I don’t mind twisting reality to get to a place where we can all feel comfortable, but to completely ignore the histories of our Presidents is down right blasphemy.  That is what is wrong with President’s Day; we celebrate the lives of fictional characters.  Come to think of it, we embody Uncle Sam, perpetuate the Santa myth to our children, embrace a giant Bunny, believe in flying fat kids with bows and arrows, accept ghouls and goblins into our homes, and the two real people/groups we accept are both known for being disease spreading, land and women raping figures known as the Pilgrims and Columbus.  I digress…

America is not a great country; we are a country filled with great potential.  We get in our own way, we listen to the rhetoric and opinion of others and like little minions we spread their word; changing the verbiage along the way, we staunchly defend our, I mean, the opinions of others that we so greatly admire and appreciate.  When we cite the Constitution and have sent men and women off to die in the pursuit of preserving our right to freedom of speech, we sadly go off into this world regurgitating the words of others.  This is what freedom of speech means?

The ACLU has no problem getting to the root of what our Constitution states.  They strip law naked; bare and exposed the truth of the Constitution is broken down into the simplistic form that it was written.  When our country is filled with adults that are so poorly educated that they cannot understand the rudimentary principles of the Constitution, they know its tenets but they do not understand for whom it was written.  The masses; from the elitist to the disenfranchised, the on the cusp of wealth to on the fringe of poverty, the Constitution was written for us all.

When we celebrate President’s Day, let us acknowledge the follies and foibles of our leaders.  If we do not learn from their mistakes, thus negating the overwhelming power of knowing and understanding history, we merely repeat our decision to elect leaders that only stand for those things that wholly effect them.  Taking the oath to uphold the very fibers of democracy we have so very intricately rewoven with loopholes, status-quo edicts, and revisions of law, we are now dangerously close to the precipice of collapse.  No, America will not crumble and become a pathway for Europeans that will walk amongst our ruins.  Instead, America is a living, breathing entity that will purge itself from time to time.  We cannot call ourselves great until the lot of Americans can feel great once again.

Perhaps trite and romantic, I would rather idealize America’s potential than to become another revisionist that paves the way for future leaders to assume greatness simply because they earned a particular title.  Accountable is precisely what all civil servants in government should remain.  They pass down NCLB and expect teachers to literally reach perfection.  Where is the law that says an official may only hold an office for so long until their time has run out and they must make way for another.  I am not talking about term limits.  I am talking about critical analysis that proves once and for all whether the very individuals that tell us one thing and do another are worthy of their titles.  I’m not saying I’m for a revolution that requires bullets and death; I am for the kind of revolution that is cerebral and honest.  Honesty, at one point time, truly was the best policy.  Happy President’s Day.

-Chris Smith

http://www.comedianchrissmith.com

Internal Integrity

There are cheats, liars, embellishers, cons, BS’ers, smooth talkers, pathological nutbags, and straight up wastes of oxygen and flesh that roam this Earth.  It is a tremendously hard pill to swallow and I look forward to the optimists that try to show me the good in the world.  I know there is good in the world.  I know it because I am surrounded by individuals that try to develop the depth of character and soul that so many individuals in this world lack.  I love meeting new and interesting people; I just have a much shorter attention span for the aforementioned that want to brow beat you with their awesomeness!

As a comedian, I have realized that I hate comedians.  The persona on stage may be fantastic; however, it is the miserable curmudgeons and sensitive pricks that they turn to off stage that makes them wholly intolerable.  Comedians are sad, despondent, self-hating, bullshitters that in the midst of their self deprecating style of humor will let you know every single tidbit of information that makes them awesome.  If you are not a comedian, you are probably wondering what I mean by all of this.  Let’s put this into perspective…

You go to invest in a bank and instead of having to deal with one individual from the bank, all of the bank workers descend upon you and they are all telling you how great they are at managing money.  Sadly, you realize you’re at a TD Bank and you realize that if they were any good, they would be at an investment firm, not a place with a drive through teller.  Comedians, regardless of where they are performing, will always let you know how awesome they are.

I am awesome.  If I didn’t believe I was awesome, I would be ineffective on the stage.  However, I also recognize the awesomeness and douchiness of others.  At the New Orleans Comedy Festival, I realized the ratio of douche to cool comics was sadly at a 10:1 ratio.  I know that sounds bad and I’m sure a few of them will read this and will wonder, “Did he think I was a douche?”  Probably, yes!  It’s not that I am intolerant of differing personalities; it is that I have grown unaffected by the self righteous ass-clowns that are as entertaining as a knock-knock joke!

There are those that forget that they are not always on stage.  I understand that we are in the business of making people laugh, but I also am in the business of being myself.  That is when you accept yourself for who you are.  Are there changes to be made?  Absolutely, and if you believe that you don’t have changes to make then you really should just check out and make way for someone else in this world.  Harsh?  No, it’s called truth and some people don’t like the truth because the old cliche is true…the truth hurts.

When individuals want to impress another with their possessions, we easily cast them off as they are nothing more than sad little turdfarmers trying to cultivate enough turds to look and sound impressive.  In High School, a classmate drove a Lexus.  Now, I would have shown an incredible amount of respect for this person if he bought the car on his own.  Sadly, his Daddy bought for him.  Then we blur the lines of jealousy and wonder, do I really not like this person because of what he has and I am jealous of his possessions, or is his character so flawed that we all recognize that persons level of pomposity and  would  rather eat razor blades than listen to one more ski trip story?  This is usually the super-model girlfriend having guy but she’s from Sweden type person.  He rationalizes that it is better that he does not have any photos of her because she is so beautiful, that when photos of her are taken, all that can be seen is a blinding white light that will burn your retinas.  Pathological by design, pathetic by nature.

Men are not the only ones that are guilty of perpetrating a false sense of identity into the world.  After an hour of morning grooming, there are women in this world that so falsely advertise who they are that when the make up comes off, the outfit is removed, the shoes are kicked off, all you are left with is a rolled out piece of silly putty that possesses the ability to speak.  The battle of the sexes need not be a battle, but when a woman comes prepared to fight with six inch heels and scores of Bobbi Brown make-up, she quickly becomes a cunning adversary.  You think you are ready to duke it out with a woman that looks like Giselle, but by the end she looks like a gazelle.

Fake people make up a tremendous part of the population.  I do not fault the individual for bending the truth and fixing the imperfections.  However, when a person recognizes that they have patched up quite a few holes in the proverbial tire that is who they are, there is no reason to perpetuate the myth any further.  When individuals pick on others to make themselves feel better, we call them bullies.  When people pick on themselves to make others feel better, we call them comedians.  When a person fraudulently puts out into this world a persona that is not truly who they are, we just resort to calling them people.  That is the sad reality of internal integrity; we accept things for face value.

If face value was how we operated this world, there would not be huge discrepancies between what people make.  If we did things according to face value, an individual could go see a movie and after that movie walk up to roll call and say, I want half of my money back because that movie was half way decent.  Imagine those individuals coming out of the theater after Waterworld.  “Excuse me, I’d like all of my money back and while you’re at it, throw me another twenty dollars for enduring that flaccid piece of whale spunk.”  Face value would crumble our economy.

If face value were real, lawyers would be obsolete.  “Your honor, this person side swiped my car, there was $5,000 in damage, I was out of work for six months, which is the equivalent of $25,000, and my wife and I argued for six months because we were broke, I would say that’s another $100,000.”  The judge would take it into consideration, the insurance company would write the check right there, and everyone would just go home.  Instead, there are scheming individuals that find ways to up the ante so they can up their take home.  If it is what it is, then it should come out exactly what it is.

If face value were real, teachers and policemen would be millionaires, and rich, ass-hats like Bill Gates and the Facebook kid would make enough to get by.  There is a price on what we value in this country and if it means bigger, better, and faster, then we are all for it.  Those with little to no internal integrity would continue to develop products that we want and do not need and eventually, we would all recognize humility is far more valuable than Hummers, love is infinitely more priceless than Gucci, your child’s baseball coach is paramount to learning life lessons while Coach is merely the product that your child covets.

“If it’s change you seek, start from within.  Once you’re comfortable with who you’ve become, start over and recognize perfection is a pursuit, not an end result.”