Archive for December, 2012

I suspect at this point, everyone has tucked away their secret New Years Resolutions and have embraced those resolutions that everyone expects to hear.  Lose weight, stop smoking, break an annoying habit, meditate, spend more time with your family, and the list goes on and on and on and…well, you get it!

The real NYR’s (New Years Resolution) as I like to call them are the kind we rarely share with people.  If you are in the minority, the individuals that have never made a secret NYR, then you are in for a tremendous treat.  Secret “Resolutions” are predicated upon the deplorable things that we’ve done more than once throughout the year.  For instance, perhaps you are or know someone that waited tables for three weeks in college, which makes you a renowned authority on waiting.  You then take it upon yourself to leave a 0% tip because your meal wasn’t cooked to your liking.  (For the record, don’t be a dick; the waiter doesn’t make the meal, they merely bring it to your unappreciative ass!)  You or someone you know leaves no tip on principle; in reality, you are pretty much an overindulgent sub-par human being.  The Secret NYR allows you to keep from perpetuating said offense and no one else is the wiser.  Would you really want to go into work on Tuesday and let everyone know you’re working hard towards not being a stingy prick?

The loose moral’ed individual may be resolute in abstaining from as many ding-dongs or vajayjays as the year past.  Committed to finding that special someone instead of always banging people, this person wraps up their horny ways and does a really good job until Valentine’s Day and we all know that person that come hell or high water will not be alone on V-Day.  There’s the greasy haired, extra shmedium shirt wearing, spray on tan guy that winks at every woman he meets.  After a night of Jager bombs and falling on a few “grenades” for his buddies, this lovable meat head makes his Secret NYR and realizes very quickly that abstinence is not only hard to actually do, it’s “like, a really super hard word to spell and stuff!”

Those that don’t make this list are those that abuse heavy drugs (i.e. crack, meth, heroin, Flinstone’s vitamins) and vow to quit.  You cannot take a crackhead seriously on December 31st as he stands with his glass dick in his hand, stretched high towards the Gods and proclaims, “I will quit you, crack….”  Are we really taking this person seriously?  Of course not, he’ll quick smoke whatever crack residue resides inside the pipe, pass out, and wake up on New Year’s Day and forget about his valiant moment.

I applaud those truly committed to their Secret NYR’s.  However, I cannot cosign on someone’s Secret NYR that involves luck and some odds that are worse than getting struck by lightning.  Every year I vow that I will never curse while watching a Philadelphia Eagles game.  I recognize that is foolish as I find myself cursing minutes after the Draft.  You cannot resolve yourself to winning the lottery.  If that were the case, I’d already live in a mansion in the south of France with spider monkeys that serve me and I ride into town on the back of an Albino Bengal Tiger.  What, you think I haven’t thought about this?  If I could will this, I certainly wouldn’t be writing this now, now would I?

Secret NYR’s require not only a commitment to change, they require practicality!  Who wants to make a Resolution to do something they know they’ll never be able to do?  You don’t see Weeman from Jackass working on his crossover so he can get better at basketball, do you?  Kat Williams won’t be making any Secret NYR’s that involve him trying to act a little crazier and a little more reckless, right?  The Secret NYR is really about mind f’ing you to the point that you will give up on life.  It comes as a way to keep you down because in your head you’re trying to change the essence of you!  Who cares if you randomly ride dick?  (Are you wrapping it up?  Yeah?  Go nuts!)  Should we vow to change ourselves completely or should our resolution be to accept ourselves and no matter what, recognize that once January 1st arrives, we have merely 365 days to make each one of those days count!  Happy New Years


No Mas, Jesus!

Posted: December 17, 2012 in Uncategorized

The tragedy that occurred in Newtown, Connecticut this past Friday created a groundswell of visceral responses for so many contemporary issues.  Those that believe in gun control found their way to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Yelp, and any other social media platform that I am unaware of at this time and let the world know exactly how how they felt.  Second Amendment supporters retaliated, reminding us all that “guns don’t kill people, people kill people!”  Holy rollers rolled like they’ve never rolled before.  “It’s the prayer that’s missing!” The election is over and Americans have found a way to dispatch their political and religious ideologies onto the masses again.  Welcome to America!

Is anyone discussing viable ways to keep Friday’s events from happening again?  Is there even a real way to keep children safe in school?  What’s most amazing to me is that the United States has in its own borders countless schools that are unsafe every day that school is in session.  Yet, people are pretty sure that it’s the lack of Jesus that allows situations like this to occur.  

Whatever happened to social responsibility and people delivering their outrage with the intention of creating viable change?  It’s not about change; sadly, we live in a country where it is all about agenda.  Watching CNN, MSNBC, and FoxNews reminded me of one specific fact:  the story is more important than those that make up the story.  The act has superseded the individual and the consumer of news has allowed this to occur.

Computer chair bosses, the ones that man the helm of their computers, feverishly type out responses to Facebook chatter in order to make themselves relevant.  Strippers with two years of community college under their belt are preparing their doctoral thesis in explaining how mental health care is really to blame.  And there it is…we must find someone or something to blame.

If you want to hunt, go hunt.  Unless you and your friends plan on hunting well supplied ex-Marine deer that have access to a weapons cache reminiscent of the Vietnam war, your rifle does not need to be automatic.  Case closed and no, I don’t care to listen to your argument.  I don’t think our gun laws allowed Friday’s massacre to occur.  Instead, I believe a crazy bastard with access to guns that need not be made for public use has something to do with what happened on Friday.

I don’t think children forced to pray because some lunatic with an unhealthy “Leave it to Beaver” irreverence is much of a solution either.  When I hear people say things like, “If people had better access to the Lord, we’d be a better Nation.”  No, no we would not.  

There’s no need to argue about whether God is good or God is bad.  You don’t need prayer time in school.  If you don’t believe me, ask yourself if saying the Pledge of Allegiance made you a better Patriot?  

We should embark on a journey of spiritualism; defining who we are as we seek out the opportunity to hold others pain if only for a brief moment.  I don’t need to refer to scripture to prove my worth as an individual.  I’m no less and no more of an American if I believe we should limit the types of guns accessible to the common person and I am no more and no less of a good man if I choose to adopt the tenets of Christ the man and live as a man myself.