Women should cook, clean, make babies, raise babies, and ALWAYS vote Republican.  Let’s be honest, isn’t decision making really a man’s thing, anyway?  Sure, Hilary Clinton was Secretary of State, but let’s not forget, she didn’t know how to keep her husband happy or he would never have found himself playing phallic dentist with Monica Lewinsky or struggling to define the word “is.”  

Does America have the same disease as Benjamin Button? No, I’m being absolutely serious when I ask this question.  Did I go to bed September 30th and time travel?

A Diary Entry from 1790

Tis been a weary month for politics I must confess.  For I heard a large rumbling among the townsmen last eve as I traveled upon my trusted horse, General Washington.  As an aside, I must confess that the Stoltzfus barn is coming along mightily and tis my opinion he will be the envy of our small town quite soon.  Also, I happened upon a young Negro boy happily working in the fields  for no pay; my how happy he must be to have a place to sleep, food to eat and all for some hearty work in the field. I do believe I prattle on too much but I digress.  

Upon reaching the hallowed doors of the local pub, I met good friends to share an ale (or two) and to feast upon a great leg of mutton.  However, the most troubling and yet wildly entertaining news traveled through the crisp Autum air.  The town crier spoke of women wanting to vote.  My how I laughed at such a silly assertion; women, like children, should be seen and not heard.  I doth fear witchcraft is abound.

If I wake up one day and slide my feet into buckled shoes, throw on a powdered wig and adorn it with a tricorn hat, I’m going to be pissed.  Why the anger?

This is why the anger.

That’s right, ladies, according to the handful of young Republican women that developed and executed this ad campaign believe that they are smarter than you but obviously not as smart as any man.  Call this liberal whining or not being able to take a joke, but I assure you I can take a joke.  A joke is meant to elicit laughter and to entertain in some way.  A witty, yet terribly sad attempt to replicate a television show in order to convince young women that voting for Rick Scott and is like being on the television show “Say Yes to the Dress,” is, for a lack of a better word or phrase, a giant “F” you to women everywhere.  Wrap your feeble little girl brains around the insidiousness of that commercial if you can.  If you can’t, perfect!  The ad was meant for you.

I scoured the Internet searching for someone to debunk this ad in the vain hope that it was a ruse, a most brilliant commercial devised by the folks at the Onion.  It’s not.  It’s real!  (By the way, if you are a woman and found this article all by yourself, you should be proud.  Yes, that’s a good girl but what did we discuss about you leaving the kitchen?)

It appears that according to the College Republican National Committee and Rick Scott, young women are only as smart as the reality television they watch.  Also striking is the assertion that all young women get married.  The college debt piece made me chuckle because it softened the blow of the deliberate attempt to say, “you’re college educated but you’re jumping right into marriage because, well, you have a vagina.”

Why then, is this political ad equal parts genius and disturbing?  It is genius because it stirred up controversy, thus insuring hashtag notoriety on Twitter and bloggers writing endless articles in response to the outrageous and ignorant message perpetrated by this sixty-second preface for the arrival of the Anti-Christ and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Though only a minute, I see a spin off of advertisement campaigns appealing to the different  “minorities” out there.

The Redneck (Duck Dynasty)

The Robertson family is standing on their front porch. (Actually, the Robertson women are inside cooking because, well, duh, they’re women.)  Phil Robertson is reading the Bible to all of his grandchildren seated at his feet proclaiming why homosexuality is a sin.  Willie is there whittling a stick and spitting into a spittoon.  Si is running up trees while chasing squirrels or some other type of vermin.  Other than a few words of intolerance spoken by the patriarch of the family, no other lines are heard.  A deep, Appalachian type voice narrates the thirty second ad.  “America is under attack.  If you want to hate homosexuals, whittle whatever you want and chase four legged creatures up trees, then vote for Rick Scott!”

He’s the Governor of Florida.  I cannot imagine there is not some contingency of voters that fit this mold.

Obnoxiously Rich Drama Queens (The Real Housewives of Miami)

This ad would just have whoever is on the show holding thousand dollar shoes, handbags, belts and any other accessory that should cost forty bucks.  Over-sized price tags with giant red font would show off outrageous prices.  The women would begin to admire all of the accessories and they would begin to grab at each others merchandise, yanking it to and fro.  Perhaps for dramatic flair one of the women grabs the hair of another woman and begins to pull violently.  

Moments before the whole scenario blows up completely, Rick Scott shows up with fists full of money and declares, “Ladies, relax.  You’re rich and if you help me get elected, I’ll make sure your husbands pay very little tax.  <Insert upper class, Ted Knight from Caddyshack chuckle.>  All of the women quickly drop their respective accouterments and in a blatant display of flirting begin to seductively nibble their fingertips and play with their hair.

Actually, I am not sure this advertisement would fly because it sounds a little too much like honesty.  I cannot imagine Rick Scott would actually come right out and say, “I like the company I keep to be like the cheesecake I eat; rich and white.”

Lazy White Trash (Here Comes Honey Boo Boo)

Holding a gallon of ice cream each, Mama June and Honey Boo Boo share a couch as they look into the camera with a look of consternation.  After three giant spoonfuls of ice cream are labeled to their respective gullets, Honey Boo Boo speaks.  “I may not be Ol’ nuff to vote, but if I could, I’d vote for Scott Rick…I mean, Rick Scott.  He promises us more ice cream and if he promises me more ice cream he must be some good kind of person cause ice cream is delicious. <farts> Mama, I farted.  Anyways, if my Mama’s jazzy scooter is charged up on election day, you best believe my Mama and me’s gonna roll up dere and s’port Rick Scott.”

God, I really hope the political strategists for Rick Scott are paying attention.  I am literally offering up political gold here.  The 2016 presidential election will look more like the commercial break between A&E programming than the traditional mud slinging ads where one liar claims the other candidate is a liar while lying about lying.

The New Age Entrepreneur  (Storage Wars)

This is the coup de gras.  The cast of “Storage Wars” are sifting through the storage lockers they bid on and won.  Each of them is coming up empty handed.  Then the “yuuuuuuuuup” guy, Dave Hester, moves a dirty mattress and behind the mattress is Rick Scott sitting on a throne.  Rick Scott looks right into the camera and asks the following questions.

“Do you like going waist deep into other people’s crap? “Yuuuuuuuuuup!” 

Do you like gambling with your own money because you “think” there’s buried treasure in all of the muck of politics?  “Yuuuuuuuuuup!” 

Are you a self rigtheous <bleep>hole that thinks you’re smarter than everyone else in the room?  “Yuuuuuuuuuup!” 

Hi, I’m Governor Rick Scott reminding you that I think people are much dumber than they look.  If you vote for me, I promise to break my promises.  It’s simple; reelect me, Rick Scott, and I’ll do everything I can to prove that you are no better than ninety percent of the crap the cast of “Storage Wars” throws away after bidding on a storage unit filled with valueless garbage.

Sadly, the ad created by the College Republican National Committee is a character assassination on women.  The level of presumptuousness that the ad contains is enough to fill a storage locker from “Storage Wars.”  Women are under attack in the video and it plays to a demographic of presumed dummies and dopes that vote according to their television watching habits.

If that video is reflective of the opinion that Republicans have of the demographic they are targeting, why have they chosen to bypass a political advertisements that have football players and fans drinking beer.  “It’s fourth and one and we’re driving this campaign into the endzone.  Let’s just score already so we can go drink a beer or twelve and drive trucks with hemi engines and little lights on the side view mirrors that go blinky-blinky because women like shiny things and men like things that light up.”

Let us also get one thing clear.  I am not outraged because of the video.  I think it is actually quite genius.  They have an intended demographic, they targeted said demographic and in the meantime, harnessed a great deal of attention for their group and Rick Scott.  It will call to arms those that believe liberals are too “PC” (I tend to agree that we have taken political correctness to a nauseating level) and the liberals will whine about how the ad is outright offensive.

In reality, what will be offensive is if this ad actually works.  If any person, male or female, watches this video and feels an overwhelming urge to vote for Rick Scott, then things like the electoral college start to make sense.  America has to be better than this, right?

As a father of daughters, I am angry because of this political ad’s disregard for a woman’s ability to discern between credible and incredible.   When America needs to be smarter, more demanding, and more informed, people are spoon fed deception through mediums that people believe are actually real.  It is one thing for my daughters to start hinting at wanting certain toys or cereals because the commercials do a tremendous job of convincing children that they not only want Reese’s Puffs or the newest line of Barbie, they need these things.

Women are not children.  Children are children.  The moment when those people that these types of ads target decide that enough is enough, change may very well occur.  Until then, politicians like Rick Scott will avoid any culpability in matters of disingenuous and egregious political advertising that basically says, “Get Back in the Kitchen, B!&%*”

**It should be noted that not only has this video surfaced on behalf of Rick Scott, a version for Tom Corbett, Rick Snyder, Bruce Rauner, Bob Beauprez, and Asa Hutchinson is also available.  That’s right folks, we recycle excrement by replacing names.  Not only does the College Republican National Committee now speak on the behalf of multiple candidates, it proves that they busted their secular little brains making one video and simply made this video universal for all Republican candidates.


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