Posts Tagged ‘Politics’

Women should cook, clean, make babies, raise babies, and ALWAYS vote Republican.  Let’s be honest, isn’t decision making really a man’s thing, anyway?  Sure, Hilary Clinton was Secretary of State, but let’s not forget, she didn’t know how to keep her husband happy or he would never have found himself playing phallic dentist with Monica Lewinsky or struggling to define the word “is.”  

Does America have the same disease as Benjamin Button? No, I’m being absolutely serious when I ask this question.  Did I go to bed September 30th and time travel?

A Diary Entry from 1790

Tis been a weary month for politics I must confess.  For I heard a large rumbling among the townsmen last eve as I traveled upon my trusted horse, General Washington.  As an aside, I must confess that the Stoltzfus barn is coming along mightily and tis my opinion he will be the envy of our small town quite soon.  Also, I happened upon a young Negro boy happily working in the fields  for no pay; my how happy he must be to have a place to sleep, food to eat and all for some hearty work in the field. I do believe I prattle on too much but I digress.  

Upon reaching the hallowed doors of the local pub, I met good friends to share an ale (or two) and to feast upon a great leg of mutton.  However, the most troubling and yet wildly entertaining news traveled through the crisp Autum air.  The town crier spoke of women wanting to vote.  My how I laughed at such a silly assertion; women, like children, should be seen and not heard.  I doth fear witchcraft is abound.

If I wake up one day and slide my feet into buckled shoes, throw on a powdered wig and adorn it with a tricorn hat, I’m going to be pissed.  Why the anger?

This is why the anger.

That’s right, ladies, according to the handful of young Republican women that developed and executed this ad campaign believe that they are smarter than you but obviously not as smart as any man.  Call this liberal whining or not being able to take a joke, but I assure you I can take a joke.  A joke is meant to elicit laughter and to entertain in some way.  A witty, yet terribly sad attempt to replicate a television show in order to convince young women that voting for Rick Scott and is like being on the television show “Say Yes to the Dress,” is, for a lack of a better word or phrase, a giant “F” you to women everywhere.  Wrap your feeble little girl brains around the insidiousness of that commercial if you can.  If you can’t, perfect!  The ad was meant for you.

I scoured the Internet searching for someone to debunk this ad in the vain hope that it was a ruse, a most brilliant commercial devised by the folks at the Onion.  It’s not.  It’s real!  (By the way, if you are a woman and found this article all by yourself, you should be proud.  Yes, that’s a good girl but what did we discuss about you leaving the kitchen?)

It appears that according to the College Republican National Committee and Rick Scott, young women are only as smart as the reality television they watch.  Also striking is the assertion that all young women get married.  The college debt piece made me chuckle because it softened the blow of the deliberate attempt to say, “you’re college educated but you’re jumping right into marriage because, well, you have a vagina.”

Why then, is this political ad equal parts genius and disturbing?  It is genius because it stirred up controversy, thus insuring hashtag notoriety on Twitter and bloggers writing endless articles in response to the outrageous and ignorant message perpetrated by this sixty-second preface for the arrival of the Anti-Christ and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Though only a minute, I see a spin off of advertisement campaigns appealing to the different  “minorities” out there.

The Redneck (Duck Dynasty)

The Robertson family is standing on their front porch. (Actually, the Robertson women are inside cooking because, well, duh, they’re women.)  Phil Robertson is reading the Bible to all of his grandchildren seated at his feet proclaiming why homosexuality is a sin.  Willie is there whittling a stick and spitting into a spittoon.  Si is running up trees while chasing squirrels or some other type of vermin.  Other than a few words of intolerance spoken by the patriarch of the family, no other lines are heard.  A deep, Appalachian type voice narrates the thirty second ad.  “America is under attack.  If you want to hate homosexuals, whittle whatever you want and chase four legged creatures up trees, then vote for Rick Scott!”

He’s the Governor of Florida.  I cannot imagine there is not some contingency of voters that fit this mold.

Obnoxiously Rich Drama Queens (The Real Housewives of Miami)

This ad would just have whoever is on the show holding thousand dollar shoes, handbags, belts and any other accessory that should cost forty bucks.  Over-sized price tags with giant red font would show off outrageous prices.  The women would begin to admire all of the accessories and they would begin to grab at each others merchandise, yanking it to and fro.  Perhaps for dramatic flair one of the women grabs the hair of another woman and begins to pull violently.  

Moments before the whole scenario blows up completely, Rick Scott shows up with fists full of money and declares, “Ladies, relax.  You’re rich and if you help me get elected, I’ll make sure your husbands pay very little tax.  <Insert upper class, Ted Knight from Caddyshack chuckle.>  All of the women quickly drop their respective accouterments and in a blatant display of flirting begin to seductively nibble their fingertips and play with their hair.

Actually, I am not sure this advertisement would fly because it sounds a little too much like honesty.  I cannot imagine Rick Scott would actually come right out and say, “I like the company I keep to be like the cheesecake I eat; rich and white.”

Lazy White Trash (Here Comes Honey Boo Boo)

Holding a gallon of ice cream each, Mama June and Honey Boo Boo share a couch as they look into the camera with a look of consternation.  After three giant spoonfuls of ice cream are labeled to their respective gullets, Honey Boo Boo speaks.  “I may not be Ol’ nuff to vote, but if I could, I’d vote for Scott Rick…I mean, Rick Scott.  He promises us more ice cream and if he promises me more ice cream he must be some good kind of person cause ice cream is delicious. <farts> Mama, I farted.  Anyways, if my Mama’s jazzy scooter is charged up on election day, you best believe my Mama and me’s gonna roll up dere and s’port Rick Scott.”

God, I really hope the political strategists for Rick Scott are paying attention.  I am literally offering up political gold here.  The 2016 presidential election will look more like the commercial break between A&E programming than the traditional mud slinging ads where one liar claims the other candidate is a liar while lying about lying.

The New Age Entrepreneur  (Storage Wars)

This is the coup de gras.  The cast of “Storage Wars” are sifting through the storage lockers they bid on and won.  Each of them is coming up empty handed.  Then the “yuuuuuuuuup” guy, Dave Hester, moves a dirty mattress and behind the mattress is Rick Scott sitting on a throne.  Rick Scott looks right into the camera and asks the following questions.

“Do you like going waist deep into other people’s crap? “Yuuuuuuuuuup!” 

Do you like gambling with your own money because you “think” there’s buried treasure in all of the muck of politics?  “Yuuuuuuuuuup!” 

Are you a self rigtheous <bleep>hole that thinks you’re smarter than everyone else in the room?  “Yuuuuuuuuuup!” 

Hi, I’m Governor Rick Scott reminding you that I think people are much dumber than they look.  If you vote for me, I promise to break my promises.  It’s simple; reelect me, Rick Scott, and I’ll do everything I can to prove that you are no better than ninety percent of the crap the cast of “Storage Wars” throws away after bidding on a storage unit filled with valueless garbage.

Sadly, the ad created by the College Republican National Committee is a character assassination on women.  The level of presumptuousness that the ad contains is enough to fill a storage locker from “Storage Wars.”  Women are under attack in the video and it plays to a demographic of presumed dummies and dopes that vote according to their television watching habits.

If that video is reflective of the opinion that Republicans have of the demographic they are targeting, why have they chosen to bypass a political advertisements that have football players and fans drinking beer.  “It’s fourth and one and we’re driving this campaign into the endzone.  Let’s just score already so we can go drink a beer or twelve and drive trucks with hemi engines and little lights on the side view mirrors that go blinky-blinky because women like shiny things and men like things that light up.”

Let us also get one thing clear.  I am not outraged because of the video.  I think it is actually quite genius.  They have an intended demographic, they targeted said demographic and in the meantime, harnessed a great deal of attention for their group and Rick Scott.  It will call to arms those that believe liberals are too “PC” (I tend to agree that we have taken political correctness to a nauseating level) and the liberals will whine about how the ad is outright offensive.

In reality, what will be offensive is if this ad actually works.  If any person, male or female, watches this video and feels an overwhelming urge to vote for Rick Scott, then things like the electoral college start to make sense.  America has to be better than this, right?

As a father of daughters, I am angry because of this political ad’s disregard for a woman’s ability to discern between credible and incredible.   When America needs to be smarter, more demanding, and more informed, people are spoon fed deception through mediums that people believe are actually real.  It is one thing for my daughters to start hinting at wanting certain toys or cereals because the commercials do a tremendous job of convincing children that they not only want Reese’s Puffs or the newest line of Barbie, they need these things.

Women are not children.  Children are children.  The moment when those people that these types of ads target decide that enough is enough, change may very well occur.  Until then, politicians like Rick Scott will avoid any culpability in matters of disingenuous and egregious political advertising that basically says, “Get Back in the Kitchen, B!&%*”

**It should be noted that not only has this video surfaced on behalf of Rick Scott, a version for Tom Corbett, Rick Snyder, Bruce Rauner, Bob Beauprez, and Asa Hutchinson is also available.  That’s right folks, we recycle excrement by replacing names.  Not only does the College Republican National Committee now speak on the behalf of multiple candidates, it proves that they busted their secular little brains making one video and simply made this video universal for all Republican candidates.


OLD WHITE PEOPLE:  I’m not old.  I am white.  If I wanted to see old people argue, I would watch them argue over a thirty cent coupon at the supermarket.  It is mind boggling that individuals actually sit and watch these debates and discuss why they enjoy Romney over Gingrich or vice versa.  It is akin to two people arguing over which is worse; date rape or forced sodomy.  Does it matter?  We all get F’d in the end! (That was an unintentional pun!)

SUPPORTERS IN THE AUDIENCE:  I can rattle off a dozen things that I would rather do than sit and listen to pompous blowhards espouse trite arguments over why the other candidates are not the right choice.  (These are in no particular order)  1)  Get kicked in the wedding tackle.  2)  Watch a Lady Gaga video.  3) Sit through a marathon of “iCarly” with my daughters.  4)  Chew broken glass.  5)  Build a website.  6)  Read “War and Peace” in Russian. 7) Hang out at a Manga Convention. 8) Watch any Pauly Shore movie.  9) Have a conversation with a “Jersey Shore” aficionado. 10) Complete a jigsaw puzzle 11) Stare longingly into Sheppard Smith’s wizened face. 12)  Watch a documentary on Christianity and find out it’s the replay of a Bronco’s game.  I am all for showing support to a candidate; just do us all a favor and shut up.  If we wanted to hear from you, then we’d wait for you to become a millionaire, lie openly, twist facts, and pine for the days that you could essentially argue on the behalf of bigotry and then shrug your shoulders over your blatantly racist comments.

MODERATORS:  Anyone that can sit and take a debate seriously is seriously defunct.  How does one sell their soul and still find the energy to ask questions that are loaded, biased, and completely irrelevant to the issues that our country contends with everyday.

INVENTING TERMS:  I consider myself a well read individual.  I know that there are those that walk this Earth that would absolutely shred me in arguments over certain topics.  The people on Jeopardy that know answers about 16th century Parisian artists would clearly demolish me in an argument about 16th century Parisian artists.  However, not since George Bush (feels like eons ago), has a candidate made up words or used already established words that do not coexist.  “The problem with this candidate is that he is a Right-Wing, Independent, Tea Partying, liberal, neo-conservative.”  I feel like I’m in the movie Scanners.

SELECTIVE HEARING:  How is it that these ass clowns will stand at a podium, hear an attack, and then answer in a way that does not even cover the topic.  “Mr. Gingrich here is an adulterer.  If his wife couldn’t trust him, how can the country?”   Gingrich will turn his head slightly, look back at the claimant and say, “Regardless of my voting history, this man is a xenophobic know-nothing.  Maybe the rest of this country is okay with baby killers, but I believe abortion is wrong.”

We will look at the television screen or computer monitor, scratch our heads, and debate whether to eat an entire bottle of Tylenol.

IOWA?  REALLY?:  No disrespect to this corn producing state, but I’m not sure if I believe the state of Iowa should play an integral part in the primary process.  Don’t get me wrong, I still think New Hampshire should go by the name Old Vermont, but it seems to me that states that actually have cities where a four story building is an apartment, not a financial institution. (No disrespect to Iowans; I am sure your state is moderately tolerable.)

THE LIBERAL MEDIA:  I love when I hear the term “Liberal Media!”  As if CNN or ABC gets Frank Caliendo to do voice over work so they can play back video but the audio is changed.  Really?  I think the problem is there are so many news sources out there that the only way to get real news is to be there when it happens.  Remember when the liberal media got millions of Jews to starve themselves, stand behind makeshift “concentration” camps and pose for photos?  Yeah, I don’t remember that either.  Perhaps the reality is the media should just replay everything from start to finish and the commentator should respond the same way most Americans do when they watch these cavalcades of self indulgence.

PUNDITS:  You’ve been around Washington long enough to know the ins and outs of politics.  Fine, we get it, you know a bunch of people and your opinion sucks just as much as every other opinion.  Walk through a dairy farm and you’re bound to step in cow dung.  Hang around Washington long enough and eventually the truth is a suggestion, not an obligation.

MOOT POINTS: I know it is harsh and this is obviously my opinion, but I really don’t care what a candidate’s voting record on abortion is.  People have fought to have Roe v. Wade overturned for decades now.  What is more important to you?  (Answer honestly!)  A woman’s right to decide the fate of HER unborn child or an economically sound plan for helping to rebound our economy?  If you answered “abortion,” then chances are your parents made the wrong decision.  Sorry, it’s just how I see it!

LESSER OF TWO EVILS:  Finally, the thing that bothers me the most are those that make the claim, “I guess my decision is really based on deciding which candidate is the lesser of two evils.”  REALLY?  That even remotely makes sense to you?  Your decision is predicated on deciding which candidate will screw you less?  The debates are merely stomping grounds of yesteryear.  The ghosts of candidates past rear their ugly heads and the recycling of politics leads us down a spiral of degenerative acceptance; the utilization of blissful ignorance and blithe dopiness.

America is a nation of rich history; some of which should make every individual beat their chest and holler from the rafters.  Of course, there is a tremendous amount of history that should force individuals to drop their heads shamefully.  Regardless of the history, if we don’t learn from its story, then we are merely looking to repeat the same mistakes of the past.  Do not watch the debates with the hope that suddenly a refreshing candidate that answers questions directly and takes ownership for his indiscretions and screw ups will fall from the sky.  Like the old joke goes (only tweaked a pinch), what do you call a thousand politicians jumping out of a plane with no parachutes?  A GOOD START!





Education in major cities is beyond the point of “fixing.”  There is a crisis that most do not want to know about because the thought of it all may be too much to bear or it may not matter to you.  Truthfully, there are more reasons to be informed than there are to remain ignorant.  Ironically, the duality of the word ignorance is essentially at the center of inner-city education.  Whether nestled peacefully in the suburbs or immersed in the inner city, the education of urban youth is paramount to the success of this country as a whole.

I have taught students that fight me when I try to expand their vocabularies.  They scoff at the thought of knowing four and five syllable words because education, at least in the inner city, does not provide for individuals and the family.  Of course there are those that have earned degrees from colleges and did so from some of the most destitute and downtrodden sections of America’s biggest cities.  However, we are more apt to recognize the starting forward of a popular basketball team or the hottest rapper in the game before we can rattle off the names of those individuals.  It is difficult to tell a sixteen year old child that although in his pocket is more money than some teachers make in a month, education is far superior to selling drugs on a street corner.  After all, a college degree has fed less families than the drug game has in many of these students’ lives.

In the city of Philadelphia today, the new numbers guru passed down a mandate that schools across the district must cut their energy consumption drastically.  The recommendation of turning out lights in classrooms and hallways is the number one solution to this problem.  Not only are we talking about schools that are drastically underfunded because of the decisions of a few that affects the lives of hundreds of thousands, the term technology once meant more computers, white boards, and projectors.  Sadly, it now means a teacher can claim that the technology used in his or her classroom is from the flickering lights above their heads.  Does this mean dress codes will now include a miner’s hat?

I referenced that the education of inner-city students did not effect just the neighborhoods that these students come from, it means that in the next fifteen years, our students will fall even further behind because the numbers game is essentially a proverbial hit squad that discounts the individual and looks only at the bottom line.  We ask, “how could this happen?”  As once superintendent, Arlene Ackerman, sits and collects unemployment after receiving nearly a million dollar buyout of her contract, the mortgaged futures of the students she claimed to work tirelessly for, are now literally sitting in the dark.

Those students that lack the basic skills of their suburban counterparts will find themselves in colleges and universities, admitted purely for financial reasons, and will fail these very students because they come far less prepared than their suburban peers.  Sadly, we accept these decisions and look befuddled at the government.  How can we as a Nation turn to a government that is hemorrhaging as we speak?  Before we turn to a government that makes it abundantly clear that a single test dictates funding, we must become pioneers and pave the way for success across all racial, political, cultural, and economic lines.

Before you are ready to point your finger at others, perhaps we should all stand in front of a mirror and ask the hard questions of what we as individuals and Americans can do to impact the lives of others.  “Joe the Plumber” gained national recognition for his every man’s perspective on America.  We work hard, we earn every dollar we make, and we refuse to let our money go to programs that appear to act solely as siphons for money.  Ask a child taken from an abusive home if your tax dollars are wasted.  Ask the inner city student that only eats when she is in school if your tax dollars are wasted on the likes of someone with whom you may have never held a conversation.  Imagine the elderly that cling to an existence that provides them with just enough to survive.  Quality of life is not predicated on whether your television projects in 3D, your central air system also purifies the air in your home, or the car you drive can park itself.  No one wants to admit that quality of life stems from brotherhood and equality.  If you say social programs are good, then you are against democracy.

If Democracy means casting off the unwanted, then I must be a dirty socialist.  If caring for the well being of those that sprung from the loins of those ill equipped, ill educated, and ill funded is a socialist mentality, then tell me where the secret meetings are held.  Do not get me wrong; I love THINGS.  I want to give to my children in the same fashion that celebrities with children named after mountains, fruit, and fictional characters provide for their families.  However, when my seven year old says she does not like the News because it scares her, then I have given her more than I would have ever given her if I bought an iTouch, a Big Wheel, or a vacation.

The notion that our government will somehow save itself from its own blinding greed is laughable.  If you want change, then make change.  Stand in line at the polls in November, but before you lull yourself into believing that the government cares for the best interests of ALL of its citizens, ask yourself if your vote will make the final decision in an election.  I promise you that your vote will never become the makings of a Kevin Costner movie.  If you want to strengthen your country, it will not be through the use of one finger pressing the name of a candidate in an election.  Change will occur when you decide to become part of the solution. Rather than allow the political aspirations of someone else to motivate your work, remember that your motivation to make change will ultimately come when you decide to make a change in the life of another.

Less government, more government, somewhere-in-between government. Regardless of your politics, I prefer the term “peopletics.” Republicans should be referred to as “F’em Alls” and Democrats should be referred to as “Hug Em Alls.” Find me a selfless politician and the pessimist in me will make a wager in my head that they’ve tickled the undercarriage of a minor, have tapped twice on the bathroom floor in a public bathroom, or they are waiting to tickle the undercarriage or tap the bathroom floor twice. Politics has turned me angry, more misanthropic than I once admitted, and sadly, politics has made me apathetic.

Did you hear Rick Perry dropped out? I was more interested when Rick James dropped dead. Newt Gingrich has some great ideas; too bad he reminds me of EVERY OTHER POLITICIAN. That is why I followed Barack for a bit. Now, he has shown that politics is only as productive as the ding-dongs, derelicts, and degenerates that the American public votes into office. I have debated about politics, gotten riled up by those that see it only one way, and found myself agitated by the thought of having to endure another election.

How much money goes into these campaigns? Enough to take care of a host of individuals that have lost their jobs. When people lose their jobs, the public rips their hands from their shoulders and starts wagging its fingers violently towards Washington D.C. If you need a scapegoat, start turning to those lobbyists that act on the behalf of those that pay them the most. What happened to Lincoln’s quote that he more or less borrowed from abolitionist, Theodore Parker? “A government of the people, by the people, for the people” is a pretty decent representation of what democracy SHOULD be. That brings us to the question of whether America is better explained as a democracy or a capitalist institution.

I know that I would rather be represented by a guy that has two mortgages, three kids, and a business he is trying to keep afloat than a lawyer that practices bullshit slinging and word twisting. We are all anxiously awaiting a vote by Congress that could ultimately stifle the Internet. The moment our government begins to govern the internet, I will quickly read up on the history of Rome so as to anticipate precisely what is going to happen next.

I want a peopletician that does not consider the bottom line no matter the decision. I want him to be cognitive of the bottom line, but I hardly want to rely on the knowledge and lack of knowledge that individuals elected into government bring to the job everyday. Isn’t it enough proof that our government is ineffective that the rich vote one way and the poor vote another? A peopletician would show audacity at redundant questions, would scoff at the idea of letting some ONE decide for some MILLIONS. The next time you find yourself trying to be the next James Carville, take a step back and remember that even though you may be the next John Stuart Mill, the only way people will pay attention is if you do so under the auspice as a devout Christian, Critic, or Charlatan. Rather than Occupy city squares and smell like hygienic abstinence or patchouli, occupy the offices of your local government. Demand the leaders perched behind cherry and mahogany desks come out to see exactly what their constituents must endure.

I am Chris Smith and I am a peopletician!